not too long ago i shared a bit about grief...ya know...how i cried every sunday at church after finding out we were moving to ninevah.
and since that post, i've shared about God's goodness to us here on the farm.
all of it's true.
all of it.
but before i share what's been stirrin' in my heart this week, i feel like i need to let y'all know that i have NO doubts that God wants us here.
and i have not even one single doubt that He has a plan.
that doesn't mean i'm not gonna to wrestle with Him and hold onto Him until He shows us why in the world we're here in ninevah.
so...let's go down memory lane, shall we? remember back to your first week as a freshman at college. remember? the excitement of it all. the week was full of new classes, new acquaintances, new freedoms. everything was new. new. new.
and then the weekend came.
the weekend...when you asked yourself, "do i go home or stick it out here on my own?" and you would go back and forth battling it out in your mind until you reached a decision.
some weekends you stayed and toughed it out on your own. alone. no real friends yet. no real community yet. just you in your dorm or apartment wrestling with what it's supposed to look like now that you're on your own.
and the other weekends you would go back HOME. HOME. we're everything was familiar. smells of yummy food. sounds of laughter. friends. family. HOME made you feel like you were part of something big or small. but you felt connected. you could be yourself and be received with love and grace. no matter what.
well, for the patten8, over the past month and 11 days, we all very much feel like a freshman in college.
we're all feeling the lack of community. and we're all dealing with the grief of moving away from that sweet community of people and fellow followers of Jesus.
so we have eight people (minus mo and j) dealing with grief in six different ways.
"i'm goin to my room"
"let's be snarky to our siblings"
"feelings easily hurt at school which leads to MAJOR meltdown at home"
"let's bully the other kids at school in order to have control over something"
or, how about,
"crying every sunday before and after church"
"bury myself in my work"
so, yes, "for the love, ninevah?"
now i know it's not ninevah's fault. heck, it's no one's fault that we are having such a hard time with it all. except maybe our own.
'cuz if i sit quietly and listen to Him, i know He is working something out of my heart in order to make room for something better. because He knows what's best. for me. for us.
and when i sit quietly and listen...i can feel Him carefully and gently loosen my grip on what I SO BADLY WANT and He whispers, "i know you're hurting and sad. but I love you. I love your family. and I have plans for all of you. trust ME. love ME. okay?"
i suck at surrender. but He doesn't.
He is faithful. trustworthy. full of grace and mercy.
and if you go back to your first week as a freshman and then the weeks that follow, you remember that eventually, you gain new friends. new community. new connections with people who accept you with grace and receive you in love.
oh, how i need Jesus.
in His grace. and. always. everything for His glory.