Tuesday, April 30, 2013

as good as it gets...and a little bunny trail

bunny trail first...

thank you all for the encouraging words via email, fb msg, text, or face to face.  y'all have been so kind in taking the time to read what i write and then to encourage me?  wow!  bless you!

i've shared this before with some of you...but i think it's worth repeating. so bear with me.  this blogging thing started out as a "look at me and what i can do" type of thing.  and then.  well, and then, i became a momma to more and more kiddos and the blogging had to stop.  so when i felt the nudge to start writing again, i didn't have as much time but prayed about how and when to write.  because blogging/writing has become a way to help me process this crazy journey of mothering kiddos i did not give birth to.  it's no longer a "look at me and what i can do".  when i type it out, i can leave it.  God uses it to teach me.  crazy, huh?  i mean i'm the one that's writing, how can i be taught too?  not sure.  but that's what happens.  my heart is different when i take my fingertips off the keyboard and stand up and walk away from the computer.  and i bless Him for that.

now on with the other stuff...

to bring y'all up to snuff with k.  she's doing better.  when i'm asked how's she doing?  my answer is, "we're in a manageable place with her."  and here's why...

praying.
therapy.
praying.
meds.
praying.

the past two weeks of therapy have been such a blessing.  two weeks ago, i was in tears with k sitting on my lap in tears, too.  and this was after i was determined to throw her under the bus because i came in with the coldest/hardest heart toward her.  all it took for me to break was the question, "do you see a difference in k?"  my response, "no".  therapist's reply, "there is.  she's a different girl now then she was before."  kleenexes please.  and as an expression of k's love for me and our family, she sat and drew a picture with all our names (spelled correctly, kinda a big deal) on it with tears rolling down her beautiful face.

and then this past monday was just more of what took place the week before.  less tears.  but more positive interactions with k.  even when we talked about some hard stuff, she listened.  she knew she was in a safe place.  and she's starting to believe that we really do love her. 

but...

there were a couple doses of reality that were kinda hard to swallow.

first one, the therapist explained that in the five years he's worked with kiddos who have attachment issues not one of them has ever had an "lightbulb moment".  "aha moment".  never.  he continued on saying, "they get better.  they do get better."  but they never really fully recover. 

second one, if you're a parent or have parents you may understand this one.  k has a hard time showing respect.  it will drive me up the wall, if i let it.  she is getting better in a sneaky, manipulative, sassy sort of way.  ha!  it's better than the rages we were once dealing with.  so yes, better.  so i shared this with the therapist with a slightly sarcastic tone to it.  he responded with a smile and a laugh and then said, "that may be the level of respect that you can expect from her."  "that may be as good as it gets". 

in a weird way, even though both of these doses of reality where not what i wanted to hear, they're what i needed to hear.  because the way i think about k is seen in the way i interact with her.  so if, with the help of the Holy Spirit, i can think about her in a different way, not holding the same expectations to her that i do my bio. kiddos.  not placing the same demands on her that i would a "normal" almost seven year old, then that will help her.  and me. 

now don't get me wrong.  i am not losing hope.  nope.  never.  with God all things all impossible.  Jesus died for my precious k (and for all man) to set her free and not be bound by fear, sin, or doubt.  her past was traumatic.  her first months of life were not typical.  but that will not define her.  what will define her is that she is loved by the King of kings and Lord of lords.  and she is beautiful in His sight.
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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

sympathy cards

the other day i went to k's counselling appointment by myself.  k was home sick with the stomach flu and because my olders were home on spring break, i took the opportunity to talk to her therapist alone.
 
even though things have been going relatively smooth in our home...the occasional defiance, a rage here and there, but overall manageable, there was still something missing or something that needed to get worked out.  and because i had the whole 50 minutes to myself with her therapist and with the help of the Holy Spirit..we hit the nail right on it's head.

nail = me.

yep.  believe it or not.

i'm the missing piece AND the one that needs to work things out.

and here's why.

because k (and q) came from a traumatic background, i often times struggle with the prideful thought of "well, they're better off here than where they were."  and because of that i often go back and forth with feeling angry towards their birth mother to having compassion for her and her circumstances.  and i struggle with thinking they should be grateful for what i've/we've done for them...just being honest.

but this is what the therapist brought to my attention and what i first had a hard time wrapping my mind around...he said this, "Ideally, God's best would be for q and k to be with their birth mom. {gulp} And God's second best is for q and k to be with you. {gulp gulp}  But they will ALWAYS have a place in their heart and a yearning for their birth mom even though that's not what's best for them."

{gulp gulp gulp}

i sat on the couch in his office verbalizing my struggle with what was just said, and as he quietly repeated himself,  it hit me.  i thought, "sympathy cards.  i'm going to give them sympathy cards.  i'm going to go to the store and buy sympathy cards for my eight and six year old."

no, their birth mom is not dead.  but...in a sense, they lost her.  they lost someone they love and that is something i can understand which is a first step in helping me wrap my mind and my heart around their loss and hurt.

i will never be their birth mom.  ever.

i can never fill her shoes.  ever.  as hard as i may try.

and it's true...ideally, God's best for them would be to stay with their birth mom.

but God has given them to me/us.  they are a gift (good days and bad days...gift).  and i will continue to do my best with His grace to love them how they need to be loved.  and that isn't necessarily loving them as if they were my own.  they aren't my own.  i did not grow them in my womb or give birth to them.  and that is part of the struggle but it is also part of His goodness, kindness, and love.  because He knew before the world began that q and k were going to be part of the patten8.  and He knew we would need Him more than ever to love these two in a way that brings glory to Him.