Saturday, March 23, 2013

the talk

now wait...before you let your mind go too far, let me just say it wasn't that "talk".

in some ways, i wish it would have been. it may have been easier.

but.  it wasn't.

nope.

today was the day that we had a real heart-to-heart, tear-filled, booger-running talk with our son q.

let me give you a little background on q...
came to us at 2 1/2 years old with his little sister.
was feisty as ever (because he was just ripped from everything he knew)
but over time (six years) has settled into our family.
with the exception of major anger issues that only occur at home not anywhere else.

and today was the day that his anger really got the best of him (i know how that can be) and he exploded at his older sister to the point that she felt threatened.  not cool.

in response, my hubby and i went to find out the details and also to help q settle down.  he did.  for a bit.  and then went off again, at me this time.

the three of us: q, my hubby, and i sat in q's room and tried to talk through and figure out, "why all this anger?".

and this is what we found out...bottom line...honest truth...q's words, "i don't feel loved." and then with a shake of his head informed us that he does not love any of his family.  us.  not one.

i know i have, we have, not done everything right or perfect since we brought q and k into our home.  and if i could go back and do things differently i would, i think. but honestly, would it change anything?

as much as it hurts to have my son whom i've raised and loved for the last six years tell me that he doesn't love me...in a weird way, i get it.

i used to think that q and k should be tremendously, abundantly, overflowing with gratitude, grateful that we brought them into our family and adopted them.  and, yes, there were times i would get angry at their lack of thankfulness.

but the more i read and learn about kiddos who come from hard places, who have not formed a bond with a parent, who have been abused and/or neglected...the more i realize, i can't expect them to just ooze with that warm fuzzy, lovey-dovey kind of love and gratitude.

q hurts.  and he's confused.  and he's sad.  and angry.

so...where do my hubby and i and q go from here?

we pick up the pieces and lay them at the feet of the One who can and will heal q's hurts.  and we give thanks to Him who is Light.  and Light always overcomes the darkness.  and we ask for forgiveness from the One who drank the cup and took our place on the cross for q, for my hubby, for me, for all mankind.

Friday, March 15, 2013

{eeeekkk} a little trip

i'm just gonna dive right in and give you the BIG news...

my hubby and i will be in israel this summer for ten whole days!!!

i can hardly believe it.  still.  but it's true.

neither of us ever imagined going to israel ever.  for a few reasons: finances.  kiddos.  finances.  kiddos.

neither of us shared with each other that that has always been a deep desire and dream in our hearts to go to israel.

so how did this all come about?  (besides God's timing and prompting)

well, about a month ago we received an email asking us to prayerfully consider going to israel.  that kinda got us excited.
then with the deadline fast approaching, we prayed.  not hearing a firm "yes" or "no" from God, we took a step of faith and we registered for the trip and fred made the first payment...that was on a saturday morning.

sunday passed.  the deadline.  we were feeling a bit anxious about the funding but still knew to trust and...

monday morning as i'm getting ready for k's counselling appointment, i get a message telling me to that our trip has been entirely paid for.  WHAT?!?!?!?  i literally stood in our bathroom and wept for ten freakin' minutes!!  i replied back asap to make sure i read it correctly.  i did.  after gathering myself together, i called my hubby and gave him the news.  he too was in complete shock!

now please hear my heart, friends.  my hubby and i are nothin special.  we're broken, messed up, prideful, selfish sinners.  and feel completely unworthy of being gifted with this trip.

BUT...

as humbling as it is to have an anonymous person(s) gift us with such an incredible opportunity, i will not feel guilty.  and here's why...because our Father's love does not come with conditions or guilt.  His love is pure.  true.  righteous.  holy.  free.

so for the next three months my hubby and i are preparing for the biggest trip of our lives (i've never been out of the country.  ever).  we have a rigorous physical workout and training to be able to hike 5 - 12 miles a day, uphill, in 100 degree weather (hence the membership to snap fitness).  we have a rigorous reading assignment (19 books from the Bible).  and we have a rigorous spiritual workout...trusting Him for ourselves but also for our six kiddos who will be on this side of the ocean while we're away (never been gone for longer than a weekend from any of them).

i cannot wait!  i still have to pinch myself and ask, "God, is this for real?".

He never changes.  He is always good.  forever.  and ever.

amen.